


And if I were a good man, I'd talk to you more often than I do

by cigarettesandalcohol



Series: I get round to loving you (Is that such a crime?) [8]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Almost Confessions, Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, it's just as fucked up as all the other parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-04-12 11:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19130878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cigarettesandalcohol/pseuds/cigarettesandalcohol
Summary: And if I show you my dark sideWill you still hold me tonight?





	And if I were a good man, I'd talk to you more often than I do

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the song "If" by Pink Floyd.  
> The summary is from the song "The Final Cut" by the same band (my favorite).
> 
> Warnings as usual, hope you enjoy this fucked-up ride.

"Wait, so you could have brought more than one guest?"

Maud sounded genuinely curious and Antoine wasn't even surprised. After all, she's always been the most intelligent of them three Griezmann kids. And the only normal one, probably. He looked at her slightly raised eyebrows as she was expecting an answer, and realized they haven't really talked much in the past months. Actually, probably even years. That was most likely the reason why she sounded so surprised when he talked to her on the phone. _Me? You want me to accompany you there? Why not Erika?  Or mom and dad?_

She's always been not only clever but also independent and adventurous; Antoine couldn't imagine her wasting her life away in the parents' house basement, playing Fortnite and vaping and drinking like _someone_.

He told her that everyone at the ceremony was allowed to bring only one guest; and that would be a problem with their parents. And Erika would have to bring little Mia along, and maybe taking such a little kid to an official awards ceremony wouldn't be such a clever idea. It didn't even sound believable to him as he spoke but Maud obviously believed him.

_Thank you so much! Should I wear a long dress? Oh my god, Macron himself is gonna give you the award? That's some kind of acknowledgment for just kicking the ball around._

She didn't ask why he didn't invite Théo instead straight away. She only became suspicious after she saw some of the other guys with _more than one_ friends and relatives, and decided to interrogate Antoine during their dinner.

"Yeah, we could bring two."

"Um - sorry to ask so blatantly but - wouldn't mom and dad appreciate being here?"

The question in her eyes seemed honest. That was something Antoine had missed the most. 

"Maybe. I wanted to see you though. We don't really spend much time together now, right?"

"Yeah, that's true," she shrugged, looking a bit ashamed as if that was her fault in the slightest. 

"And I didn't want to take only mom or only dad. That would be...weird."

"Uh, Antoine." Whenever she called him that, he painfully remembered how terribly used he became to the nickname _Anto_  or _'toine_. "You also _have a brother_. I thought you would invite him in the first place? Not that I'm complaining, I'm really glad I can be here but - you didn't invite him?"

Antoine's shoulders twitched in a lame attempt to laugh. "Obviously not, as you can see."

Her hazel eyes scanned him. "Why?" she asked in the calmest possible voice, although he could say she was really curious. _He and Théo have always been so close after all_ -  "You and Théo were always so close, what happened? I know I haven't been home for some time but - is something wrong?"

Unknowingly, he took the paper napkin and started folding it with his restless hands. "Didn't want him to get wasted here and fucking throw up on the president's shoes." He folded the win- red napkin four times and smoothed the edges. 

Maud laughed shortly but her face grew serious almost immediately. "Is it that bad with him? I mean mom mentioned something but - I thought it's just the usual complaints - "

He bit his lips and nodded without a word. His fingers, clutching the folded napkin, felt numb. "It _is_ bad."

She looked as if she couldn't believe her ears. "How bad?"

He looked at her and immediately regretted saying anything at all. She was the one person in the world who didn't deserve any of this bullshit he was just about to throw at her - she was a free, independent individual, long gone from the family ties, why should he bring this all onto her? 

"Just _bad_. He drinks a lot."

"Yeah but come on - He's always had this rebellious side." She made the _quotation marks_  gesture with her hands at the word 'rebellious'. "Our very own _rebel without a cause_. The problem for him was that parents never really punished him for anything, you can't remember that because you were in Madrid but - oh God, all the shit he got himself into," she sighed, shaking her head, though her tone was still very cheerful. "Once he got home wasted, and he was like fifteen or sixteen, I was at home and I tried to cover up for him, just make him go to sleep before mom and dad notice anything, but he ended up throwing up in his bedroom - Mom was so mad but dad was just laughing at him, saying at least he would never get this drunk again. I guess it wasn't the best response, but we've all been there, right?"

"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about."

She raised her hands in a silent apology. "So is it really that bad with him? Come on. He wouldn't dare to do anything like that in here. He can be reckless and...weird, but he has some basic respect."

Antoine swallowed hard, feeling the familiar twist in his guts. 

"You shouldn't be judging him." She sighed and took a sip from her glass of wine. "I mean," she said, carefully judging every other word, "you could maybe try to be nicer to him. I don't mean to play... _the big sister_ in here...but I talked to him two, three weeks ago over the phone, and he seemed to be very sad and lonely and - he said you wouldn't call him back or answer his messages - "

Antoine nodded, staring intensely at the pattern on the tablecloth.

"I know you have a lot to do," she continued soothingly, and her calm, composed tone was making Antoine sick with every passing second. "And I know you don't want to babysit your little brother - "

He let out a desperate, dry laugh.

"But - a simple call, a message, some kind of support - "

"I know," he choked out, knitting his eyebrows.

"You're his hero. He should be here, no matter how he behaves - I know he can be annoying - "

"It's not that - "

"Then what it is?"

"You don't understand - "

"You're ignoring him and he's hurting now - "

"He spent a month in my house, getting shitfaced next to me, to my wife and to my daughter - Having no respect, no dignity and no common sense whatsoever - "

_\- cornering me in the bathroom, kissing and touching me when I told him to stop -_

"He woke up past midday every day, still hungover from the night before - "

\- _and he never forgot to mention how he's in this state because of me_ - 

"And straight away, he started drinking some cheap wine again, just to get himself drunk as soon as possible."

\- _and he always knew exactly when I was alone in a room_ - 

 "And he did this almost every day, for a month - "

\- _and God knows how often he cut himself_ - 

" - right next to Erika and Mia - "

\- _and they never knew_ - 

" - without even being slightly sorry about it - "

\- _the last morning, when I was helping him to get his bags down in his car, he asked me if I would at least kiss him goodbye_ - 

" - so please, don't be so shocked that I'm angry at him."

- _I said 'No' and he said 'You won't even kiss me after all that has happened between us?' -_

"I have my reasons."

_I told him the most terrible thing in response. Not just a terrible thing - I told him the worst of all the worst things._

_And I hate myself for that._

Maud was watching him carefully with her beautiful eyes that so rarely managed to stay serious; now it was one of those moments. "What has _really_ happened between you?" she asked slowly, almost hypnotizing him.

"Maud, I'm not lying to you. This is it. I just didn't want him to be here, that's all."

"But why are you ignoring him? I'm sure he's sorry for whatever he did, so what, he got a little drunk, _big deal_ \- " She poked his hand playfully. "Besides, it was you who got shitfaced at your own wedding, if I remember correctly?"

Antoine nodded, feeling like heaving again right at that moment.

"There you go. Everyone does mistakes - he just wanted to have some fun, come on, he's young."

She was still trying her best to make the whole conversation lighthearted and funny, though Antoine didn't really respond to her attempts. And the more he stared down on his hands and the tablecloth, the more cautious Maud became.

"Or did he - did he do something when he was drunk?"

He was already taking a deep breath to tell her - with all respect and dignity - that it's just between Théo and him, when she lowered her voice as if she was afraid of being heard and asked: "Is it about Erika?"

He was so surprised by this kind of thought that he gasped, and Maud seemed to mistake his genuine surprise for the terror of his secret being revealed. "Oh my God it is about Erika, right? Did he try to hit on her?"

Antoine let out a menacing chuckle. _That_ would be too easy. "No, he didn't."

She still didn't seem convinced.

"We can talk about it tomorrow," he said before he could think about it twice. "This has been a long day," he shrugged as an apology.

She nodded, watching his face as if to recognize any sign of his further intentions.

"We just said some nasty things to each other."

"I hope you'll explain all that to me tomorrow then."

"Oh, don't worry."

"Well, I'm starting to."

_No, really. Don't worry. The best is yet to come._

He laughed humourlessly at the stupid joke in his own head.

.

_I told him 'Why the fuck don't you finally cut yourself properly?'_

.

_And I don't think there's a way you can to talk to anyone after saying that._

 


End file.
